On my heart

(skin to skin time in the NICU)

This week I have not stopped thinking about the babies in the nicu. It’s amazing to think that not two and a half years ago I was in that mamas position. Being woken up every two hours, not by my hungry babe but by the pesky nurse as she checked my vitals and reminded me to pump. A friend had her baby in the nicu this week. I’m not sure why he was admitted but they just went home and my heart filled with so much joy for them. Again, I could not help myself from the memories that rushed at me. The day we brought our son home from the nicu was not at all like I imagined us bringing him home, I imagined family waiting for us, lots of food and drinks, and more love surrounding our new little boy than we could imagine. The love was there, it just was not sitting on the couch or laughing in the kitchen. No one was there to walk out of the hospital with us or welcome us into our home as a family of three.

I don’t blame our family and friends for not being there. I just wish they had been. I’ve had to let myself be allowed to feel some sadness about those first moments home so I could accept and move on. I’ve also had to tell myself over and over again that next time can and will be different. Next time will be a different birth experience. Next time we will get those moments at home with our family and friends and maybe even be at home when we welcome our newest little. Either way, I know that the birth of my son was exactly how it was supposed to be. Even if it wasn’t perfect.

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